2. Investigating Hector the Horrible

I'd heard from a few people that the new GPs at Loftus were good so I googled for the phone number and made an appointment. Dr Lauren Keppler. I got good vibes from her from the start. It's not often I find a GP that doesn't look me up and down and almost immediately reach for the blood pressure cuff thinking my blood pressure is high. Just because I am big, flabby, rotund, large, fat, overweight doesn't mean I'm wildly unhealthy (well, I guess it's relative to how many assessment tasks are due and how much baking I've consumed....). Suffice to say she was attentive and actively listened to me.

First thing first, strip off the top half and let her poke and prod my boobs. Yes, there is a lump, it's small but any abnormalities need to be investigated. She ordered me a blood test and made a referral for a mammogram (SQUISH) and an ultrasound with a +/- biopsy. As in, if they find something on the first two then I already have a referral for a biopsy. If nothing is found then I don't need one. I made an appointment at Miranda for about a week later.

Mammogram first. I'd had one a few years before, I thought it was a couple but it was pre pandemic, before covid (or BC as I like to call it), so it was at least 4 years ago. Strip off the top half and step up to the machine. A diminutive lady was there to do the scan and craned her head up to look at my face. I had a vision of her toppling over backwards. Right boob first. She said "I need to position your breast on the plate". I gave permission, wondering how she was going to heave said bosom into position and hoped she done some stretching before her shift. She used two hands which was wise. "You will feel a bit of pressure as the top plate comes down". Yeah, I remember. Visions of hard boiled eggs being squished and expelling their innards on the floor filed my head. Pressure! Yeah, who came up with the idea to trap boobs in a vice? Hmmmm? Each boob needs to have two positions, the second is a 45 degree angle. She heaved my boob into position, holding the bottom with one hand while she lowered the top plate. I fully expected beads of sweat to break out on her forehead from her impromptu weight lifting session. Repeat with left boob. She leaves me to put my bra and top back on and says she needs to get the Dr to check the scans. I was tempted to tell her to stretch to avoid sore muscles.

Back she comes, there is some calcification on the scans. On to the ultrasound. Strip the top half again, lie on a bed this time and get slathered in gel. I'm going to need a shower after this one. I was covered from collarbone to belly button and to my back on both sides. I hope they get a discount to buy their gel in bulk. This lady is chatty - the usual small talk questions. I hate small talk at the best of times but being naked from the waist up, slathered in gel and having the compression paddle being dragged over me like some weird massage made the situation rather hilarious so I answered her question with limited annoyance. One side, then shift on the bed, then other side. She says she's off to talk to the Dr and covered me with a paper gown.

Dr comes in. Nice eyes. A mask covers up the rest of his face but I imagine him to be quite good looking. Oh yeah, concentrate on what he is telling me. There is something there, don't know what but I need a biopsy. He says my lymph nodes appear clear. He says to make an appointment asap for the biopsy. He repeats what he has said and asked if I have any questions. Not really, I was talked out by all the small talk beforehand. They leave me to get dressed. Ummmmm, the paper gown has stuck to the remnants of the gel that was left after it was scrapped off me at the end of the scan. Sort of like paper mache - one you put on the glue and put the paper on it is ridiculously difficult to remove. I did the best I could, got dressed, thought longingly about how nice a shower would be, and went back to the reception area to book in.a biopsy.

I said my name and that I needed to get a biopsy done asap. Just then, the supervisor lady came out of her office and took over. It struck me that this was unusual behaviour when the original receptionist looked surprised. The difficult thing was, I was offered a new job that week and I was going to be flying to Narrabri for my first on week (8 days working, 6 days off) and so it had to be done on Monday. Nothing at Miranda. Nothing at Menai. Hurstville has something on Monday. Ok, booked in and I can take the train up and back easily.

Home for a shower!!!