9. Waking up

I slowly come to. I hear beeping, shoes squeaking slightly on the floor, a female voice saying "Carolyn, can you hear me? Can you hear me?" I open my eyes, everything is blurry, I turn to my left and croak "Yes". "Can I get you anything?" the nurse asks. "Water" I croak out again. She brings me some water in a cup with a straw. "Do I have a drain?" I ask. "Yes" says the nurse. Oh, guess the lymph nodes weren't as clear as the scans made them appear.

While I digest this information the nurse says that I will be going to the ward overnight. Oh that's right, Dr Rob did say that if I had a drain I had to stay in for one night. A short time goes by and an orderly comes and wheels my bed to the ward. I get a room to myself which is nice. I ask the orderly what time it is before he goes, about 7pm he says. So the operation did go about an hour like Dr Inder said it would. She had said that recovery is about 2 hours so it makes sense it was around 7pm. I wonder if Mither has been called. (that is mum by the way - Not sure why I started writing mum. Pither is dad. Long story, maybe I should do a post about that too). Mither wandered in not long after. She hadn't been called but had asked at reception where I was and they said I'd been moved to the ward.

Two nurses walk into my room and introduce themselves. I'm terrible with names a lot of the time so don't remember them. They are different heights, vague blobs of colour. The taller one says "You'll be with us overnight. You have missed the dinner trolley but if you would like something to eat I can order it for you." I said I could eat something but I was mostly thirsty. She said there were water bottles on my table and showed me where it was within reach. I could see a vague blue label floating in the air and another behind it. She said they had been briefed from the recovery nurse and I had tolerated the operation well. She asked what extra help I would need with my low vision. I explained what I could and couldn't see and she said she would add it to my notes and verbally hand over to the night shift. Both nurses had a look at my wound sites and said if they start to bother me with sharp or hot pains to let them know asap. She asked what my pain levels were, I said about a 4 or 5 out of 10. She said they didn't want it over a 5 and would get me some pain killers. The shorter nurse showed me where the bed remote was and the buzzer if I needed anything. They said if I needed to use the toilet then to buzz so they could unhook the drain from the bed. I wouldn't want to forget that and accidentally rip it out.

Some people may be wondering why this blog is called The Bellows. Well, the drain is called a 'bellowvac'. It suctions out the excess fluid from the wound under my arm from the lymph node removal, or auxiliary clearance for the technical name. If the fluid isn't removed it can build up inside and create a big bubble under the skin. Not a good thing. I will have a logo for the blog, it's coming soon and so things will be clearer as to what it looks like. A forthcoming blog will go into more details about why I decided on the name.

Dinner came - chicken parma wth veggies. Just before I start eating the taller nurse comes back with pain meds. One endone (oxycodone) and two panadol. I start eating and feel slightly nauseous but take it slow and it goes away and I finish. Passable meal. Dessert is panna cotta. Not something I enjoy, why couldn't it have been something chocolate. I texted James 'Do you want my panna cotta dessert?....Hospital Grade...hehehe". He replies "Pass but thanks for the offer." I giggle a bit, right, don't laugh until the pain meds kick in.

The pain meds certainly kicked in. My face is numb. WEIRD feeling. I'm guessing that is the endone. Not long after the shorter nurse comes in with the night shift nurse. Handover for the night. Looks at my wounds again. I'm getting used to showing off my boob to strangers. I'm getting pretty tired so nod off. I wake a few times in the night to pee. I had been so thirsty that I had drunk two bottle of water. Rather awkward experience, holding the drain bellows and bag in my right hand and doing everything else with my left. Wiping your bum with your non dominant hand is a challenge, especially when you can't really twist or bend much either. I challenge you to try it! Pulling undies up it also challenging with one hand and with limited movement in the torso.

I'm not sure what time I woke up more fully but there was light outside the window. My phone battery had been running a bit low so it'd turned it onto airplane mode. I switched it back on and messages came flooding in. It was after 7am. I replied to a couple of them but kept the others for later and switched my phone back on airplane mode. I may have dozed for a bit more and then I needed to pee again so pressed the call button. After a while a guy nurse comes in apologising for taking so long and that he'll help me until the morning shift nurses can come. He says he'll straighten up the bed up while I'm on the dunny. As it happens, Dr Rob comes for his morning rounds while I'm mid wee. Murphy's Law right? He'll come back in about half an hour.

Breakfast turns up. Wheatbix (yuck), milk, orange juice, two slices of white bread. I was hungry, a good sign. Hmmmm, let's get creative with the breakfast. I don't like cereal as it goes soggy really easily and I have some bad childhood memories of soggy muesli and haven't eaten cereal since. I take a tentative bite of the wheatbix, chew a few times and then take a swig of the milk and swallow. Passable. Why would anyone like to eat flaky cardboard? I finished off the wheatbix and milk, felt around. the tray and found that there was butter and jam that went with the bread. I'm not usually a jam person unless it's on scones with cream. But, gotta eat something. I picked up the piece of paper on the tray and held it close to my nose, squinting I could read 'ordered without patient input'. I guess I was still out in recovery when the order was taken. I always wonder why there isn't better food in hospitals. The research is clear, eating good food is essential for the best healing from injuries and your overall health. Wouldn't paying a bit more for good food allow people to get better quicker and reduce the chance of infection or rehospitalisation? White bread is like glue in a way. Sticks to the top of your mouth. Give me wholesome brown bread, or better yet, lots of grains and sourdough.

I turn my phone back on again, message from Mither. She's heading up to the hospital and be there just after 10am (visiting hours start then). Did I want anything? A phone charger would be a good idea. Just then Dr Rob comes back with someone else with him. I can't remember who they were, maybe the morning nurse. She was just a small almost invisible white blob agains the white wall in front of me. Dr Rob says "How are you this morning? Do you remember what I said about this?" Feeling a bit more human from food (albeit nasty food) I cheekily said "I could guess what you are talking about but if you are pointing at something I can't see what is is". A few seconds silence and then "Oh right, low vision. Sorry about that. I'm pointing to the drain. We found some cancer in the sentinel node so had to do the auxiliary clearance. He asked to look at the two incision sites and the drain site and said they looked good. He said the operation went pretty standard and him and Dr Inder were pleased with how I responded. He said I could be discharged today.

Someone came around for me to order lunch. Not much choice so I choose and egg sandwich and yoghurt. It wasn't long after that Mither arrived, or maybe it just felt like it was quick as I zoned out for a while. Not being able to see much is difficult and it helps to close my eyes. I may have dozed off again. We put my phone on to charge. We talked about what I remember and how the night went. Mither mentioned her glasses were fogging up with the mask and I said she could probably take it off while visiting with me. "The sign says I can't" she tells me. What sign? Oh, there apparently is a sign on the wall at the end of my bed about 2m away. I had wondered what the blue dot on the wall was, it's the mask symbol.

The nurse came in and said I could be discharged after lunch. She would come back with my discharge papers and take the cannula out of my arm and change the bag on my drain. Lunch came, Not very exciting but better than breakfast. A few more toilet visits, I'm getting slightly better using my left hand to do things. The whole back of my arm from my shoulder to my elbow is numb. Under my arm and halfway down the inside of my arm is also number. My boob throbs a bit but it's ok.

All of a sudden in rushes the nurse. She's really sorry but someone is coming up from recovery and they need the room asap. Did I mind if I left right now? I didn't mind, I felt like I needed some fresh air. She bustled around, talked Mither through the drain, this is on, this if off, make sure this one is always on unless you are pushing fluid through. If this is off for too long fluid will back up. She has some paperwork she goes through as well. Community nurses will come everyday to check my drain dressings and empty the bag. Once I have 30m or less two days running the drain can come out. Usually 3-7 days. I remind her I still have the cannula in my arm. Oh yes, right, better take that out. Must be busy on the ward today! I gather my things, gingerly get dressed. Definitely not wearing a bra for a while. The drain site is right where the bra band would go around to my back. The nurse says she had been trying to get the breast nurse to see me before I left but hadn't been able to get onto them yet. She said they would call me. I'm to make an appointment to see Dr Inder in a week, leave the dressing on the incisions until I see her. Take 2 panadol every 6 hours and two ibuprofen every 8 hours as needed. Seems pretty straight forward.

Mither had texted Rachel, her and Ash were picking us up but we would have to wait for a bit downstairs which was fine with me. I forgot to mention that when I was in the midst of waiting and waiting and waiting for the operation Alison the breast nurse saw me. She says the breast nurse allocated to me was actually Taylor but she is away for a couple of weeks so Alison was stepping in. She gave me a pillow (pastel pink 🤢🤮 ,so gendered!! and I have always hated pink but I hid my disgust) that is like a horseshoe shape with a ribbon on top. It's meant to have the fatter part go under your arm and it helps to be more comfortable. I have actually used it to rest my lower arm on in the night to raise it up a bit to help get comfortable with the drain. The nurse put the pillow on my right shoulder and then said where was the bag for the drain. Alison hadn't given me one. She was going to come back before I was discharged. Good thing I had my RaRa bag as I call it. Aneira made me a painted fabric circle for mothers day and I had made a patchwork quilt to match the colours and sewed the fabric circle on the front. I put the bag on my right shoulder. Mither carried my backpack, I wasn't allowed to carry it until off hospital grounds.

Into the lift and down to the front entrance. We wait, I sit in a chair. My middle and ring finger get shooting pains in the tips, like a needle was being pushing under my nail. VERY painful. I take the bag and pillow off my right shoulder and after a minute it starts to go away. Ok, don't carry things on my right shoulder then! I see blurry shapes moving in and out of the front doors and down the corridor to the lifts. A staff member at the door is reminding people to wear a mask. Occasionally chasing people down as they head towards the lift. That must be a hard job to do for hours. I do hope they have enough breaks. Rachel and Ash turn up. The seatbelt is a bit awkward with the boob but I hold it in my left hand. Off we go. Being blind is so not fun when in a car. I close my eyes but it only helps a little bit. Every bump on the road jars my side and my boob. We make it home and I decide it's probably time for some more pain killers. I only had one the one endone last night and since then a couple of panadol around 4.30am and that was enough. At least the endone didn't make be throw up all over the place like it does for some people.

The afternoon is a bit of a blur. I get a call from Alison, she'd turned up to see me but I'd already gone. Had I seen the phsyio? Nope. Oh, they shouldn't seem me before I had gone as well. I explained the mad rush in which I had left my room. She'd given me a bunch if pamphlets and a couple of booklets. One of them had some exercises to do so my shoulder doesn't freeze up. She said she would leave notes for Taylor as well. I got a call from Justin, community nurse, organising visits. Between 9am and 2pm the nurses will visit each day. I called Dr Inder's office and made an appointment for Friday next week.

I had already worked out that when in bed I could hang my drain on the handle on my dressing table. It's good it's my right side as that is the side the dressing table is on. It's the right distance away too. There is no way I could sleep on either side and I don't like sleeping on my back but I will have to. Hopefully the drain will only be in for a few more days. I pile up some pillows, bunch up my quilt to put under my knees and try and sleep like that. Not that comfortable but I do drift off.