81. Fish Buttons

One of my sewing projects at the moment is hand sewing a blouse.  It’s almost finished and I just have to add the buttons and buttonholes.  I got out my stash of buttons and wasn’t too impressed with any of the blue ones I had.  They were the wrong colour blues.  I then found some clear buttons which looked ok but they weren’t really making me excited about that choice either.  I took a break and opened another box that has been in a cupboard for maybe 10 years and in it was a cape I made for a fancy dress party.  Sea creatures etc.  There were wooden fish buttons on it and they look great on the top.  The fabric for the top is called Moonscape but it is different shades of blues and looks like water. So, fish buttons it is.  I measured them up and was just about to make the first cut for the buttonhole and suddenly had a thought that maybe the cut should be vertical and not horizontal.  And that it should be the side of the smaller part of the fish, not the length.  So I put it aside to think about it for a few days to make sure.  Buttons are easy to move, a slit cut in fabric is harder to fix!  

I had another sewing class with Suzannah last week and I took a couple of tops that I own with me that I like so we could make patterns from them.  One of the tops is loose and flows out at the bottom so I asked if we just kept cutting along that outside line could it become a dress.  Yes it can!  I had lots of the Moonscape fabric left and it just so happened that I would need 140cm (times two) for an ankle length dress and we had the perfect amount left.  So it was cut out and the side seams sewn together. I put it on to make sure the fit was ok and it fits perfectly.  I am going to put pockets in it as a dress needs pockets in my opinion.  That is on my list for today to accomplish.  At least to cut out the pockets.  Also in the sewing class I took along a skirt I really like but it is too small for me at the moment.  Suzannah looked at it and said “I think if you take off the waist band and take out the middle darts on both sides, front and back, try it on and see how it fits. If we need to take out more darts we can.”  I use an unpicker (seam ripper it’s called in some other countries) and tackle that chore.  It is a VERY well made skirt so it took a bit to actually get the waist band off.  After that I unpicked the four darts and tried it on.  Fits perfectly.  All I need to do it add another waist band which I can use grosgrain ribbon for that.  Suzannah had the perfect size and even though the colour isn’t quite right -  no one sees my waistbands anyway.  This skirt matches perfectly to a beautiful sapphire top I have.  This top was given to me years ago but it never fitted as my boobs were too big.  Problem solved with my bilateral mastectomy.  I have a bit more of the moonscape fabric left which I should be able to cut out another top.  Spotlight was having a 40% sale on all fabric on the bolt last week if you were a member (I am) and so I got a deep burgundy with dark red/black texture in it and a deep purple with gold leaf designs.  They are going to make two tops.  I am very excited to be getting a wardrobe that I like and can make myself.  I really detest clothes shopping.

Other sewing projects have been going on too. Sometimes I do just 30 minutes on something and then need a break and it’s good to have a variety of projects on the go.  My weekly challenge with K3nclothtales on YouTube is coming along well.  I haven’t done week 11 or 12 yet (week 13 is this Monday) but I will get some work done on those this weekend I hope.  My hexagon quilt hasn’t been worked on for a few months but I have a design board it is pinned to and it is propped up on the back of my desk and resting against the wall so I get to enjoy seeing it every day.  This project is a really slow stitching project and I’ll do bits and pieces on it over the years it will take to finish.  Sometimes on a bad day I just don’t even have the energy to sew.  I am trying to be kind to myself and accept that some days I can’t sew anything but if I want to do something with fabric I can sort out my fabric into colours for future projects.  I have small off cut scraps which Suzannah gives me from other people’s lessons at her shop.  I have plans for them in my head and I’ll get to them at some point.  

The last couple of weeks I have had a lot of appointments again and I have been trying to balance them out with creativity.  One of these was doing some water colour painting on the beach.  My niece also joined in after we had had a swim. She did some lovely paintings and then set to painting rocks and shells too.  I made sure I was covered up with my big wide brimmed hat, UV resistant shawl, beach towel around my legs from knees down.  It was probably less than an hour but the next day I realised that the sun had moved enough that the tops of my knees had been in the sun and I got MAJOR sunburn and also a bit on the inside of my left wrist. This was facing up as I was holding my watercolour tray.  Aloe vera wasn’t really helping with the burns so I went to the chemist and got some solosite gel. The same stuff I used on my radiation burns.  That took the heat out and helped A LOT.  My skin and body make up has changed so much after the chemo, radiation and now with the medications I am on.  I never used to burn in the sun.  I was careful when I was painting but obviously not careful enough.  Now I am extra extra careful.  I try not to put sunscreen on as most of them give me hives and the one I have found is ok but it still makes my skin feel a bit itchy after a few hours.  Anyway, I really enjoyed getting out my water colour paints again and I loved how my artworks turned out.  

I go to choir practice every Thursday night. I have to have at least an hour rest beforehand, sometimes more if it’s been a busy day.  I get about halfway through practice and I start to wilt.  I was getting breathless and a bit of a cough halfway through but that wasn’t as bad this last Thursday.  Perhaps it is left over symptoms from covid which I had in January.  I definitely take a whole lot longer to get over things now.  I have two bruises on my legs which I don’t remember doing anything and they have been there for weeks.  I’ll tell my GP next time I am there.  I see her every month so it’s easy to keep her up to date with things.

My exercise classes are going well.  Yesterday I was feeling quite good as I’d had a good nights sleep. I only woke up once instead of the usual 6-8 times.  The temperature at night has been around the 14C mark so that makes a big difference.  My preferred sleeping temperature is below 10C, and closer to freezing even better.  With the hot flushes the colder the better too.  I often will need an afternoon rest, maybe not a nap but laying down for an hour or so on the days with my exercise classes.  They tire me out but also energise me too.  Sounds weird but it’s true.  

I saw Dr Julia on Fri 8th.  I saw Emily first and she got the run down on how things have been.  I was quite emotional and cried quite a lot.  The heart ECHO was fine which I knew and Dr Julia said my lung function was better than hers and I shouldn’t have fainted and got unwell in the test so that was not good news.  I’m still getting the heart palpitations, irregular heart rate, dizzy spells, breathless at times.  She wants to send me to the cardiologist this time. She’d put it off last year but wants to make sure she investigates all possibilities. If the next stage comes back clear then it’s more likely the stress, anxiety, fatigue and even PTSD from all the treatments, side effects, medications etc.  She mentioned sending me to a psychiatrist and going on a low dose of antidepressants but I won’t take any more medications.  Knowing me I would get the rare side effects and then be told to go on more medication to get rid of those.  If I know that I won’t have a heart attack or a stroke with the symptoms I’m getting and it’s related to the physical, mental and emotional stressors I’ve been put through and am still going through then I will be able to cope better with strategies that Paula and I have been working on.  I also remember that Kim, breast nurse, mentioned once that sometimes the body can’t deal with the medications and sometimes people are put on a medication “holiday” where they stop them for a bit and then slowly start them up again to see which ones might be contributing to symptoms, if they are.  I also got a new Centrelink medical form to cover me whilst I continue to need many more appointments and tests.  I’ll see Dr Julia June 7th, unless something drastic happens.  She is happy for my GP to follow up with Quasimodo. She wasn’t too concerned about the inconclusive biopsy but agrees he should be removed for a full pathology test.

I saw my GP as well and she gave me a referral to a dermatologist to get Quasimodo removed.  Luckily when I called up they had a cancellation and so I got in and saw Dr Choi last Tuesday.  My GP looked at my sunburns and was happy with me using the solosite until there was not heat left in them.  She reminded me of all the signs of infection and if I had any to go to emergency straight away.  The burns have started to peel now and are not hot so I think I dodged any infection.  I was very careful to not bump the burns to break the skin until they started to peel on their own.  

Dr Choi was very nice.  I thought she was going to take Quasimodo out on Tuesday but she just had to check that she could do it in her rooms (she can) and then she will do it another time. She checked her diary and June 4th was the next date.  She frowned and then said “I have a few other people on my list too and I might come in a couple of days in the school holidays so I’ll get reception to call you if I do.”  That means the last couple of weeks of April is a possibility.   She also did a skin cancer mole check when I was there which was good as the last one I had was 2018 I think.  All good on that front.  She was looking through my hair and I said I should’ve come seen her when I was on chemo and didn’t have any hair to make it easier. She laughed a bit and said that would’ve been helpful.  She was very nice and charged me the pensioner rate with my Health Care card.  It was still $220 though and Medicare paid back $81.30. Next appointment is going to be $460 and maybe about $150 back on Medicare.

Yesterday I saw Jon Gamble again.  He did another oligoscan and was very happy to see that my heavy metal toxicity is going down and my nutrients are going up.  There was still a concern that my Vitamin B9 and D were zero even though I have been taking a high dose of those for over 3 months.  He said that there were some compounds that can block my body absorbing them and so have given me a couple of extra things to take to help.  He was very happy that I have lost almost 15kg now (as am I).  I mentioned about the heart stuff and dizzy.  He does think that POTS is a high probability and says even if the cardiologist says no it doesn’t mean I don’t have a mild case.  After describing more around my symptoms he thinks that low blood sugar could be part of the problem. I can often get the pounding heart palpitations at night, and when I wake up the first in the night it is very often 2.33am.  He thought that was very interesting.  He has prescribed me a “bedtime snack of protein and repeat as necessary in the night if needed”.  He also wants me to eat something every 2 hours (which I realise it’s been almost 3 hours now as I am rereading this post), even if it is only a couple of mouthfuls.  He also may add a homeopathic remedy of adrenaline if I continue to get these episode and the snacks don’t help.  He agrees that adrenal overload is a high probability for me too.  He says to come see him again after I lose another 15kg to do another oligoscan to see how my toxicity is going, or is something drastic happens.  

Drastic.  It means “likely to have a strong or far-reaching effect”.  It is a good word for serious medical conditions.  When I started out on this whole cancer conveyer-belt, cancer circus, cancer journey or whatever you want to call it, there was a lot of emphasis on the active treatments like surgery, chemo, radiation and that when they are over your life would go back into a bit more normal state with some medication and some appointments every 6-12 months and then every year.  There wasn’t much talk or discussion about how those active treatments will have a drastic impact on your life.  Definitely strong and far-reaching effects.  Many people I talk to with cancer talk about scanxiety.  When their next routine appointments are coming up stress takes over that something might show up and the whole crazy will start over again.  Even people who have been cancer free for 15 plus years talk of this.  I call that drastic.  I know someone who has to have their zoledronic acid infusion soon and they are already making plans to be pretty much bedridden and out of action for a few days to a week.  That is drastic and has many far-reaching effects on your life.  Some people have the infusions every month, some every couple of months, I am having them every 6 months.  My next one is in May.  The after effects of it was NOT nice if people remember my blog post about that.  Mentally and emotionally preparing yourself to go through something like that is drastic.  Someone said to me it’s best not to dwell on the negatives and always look for the positives.  I do get what they were saying because that was my thought process prior to cancer.  I do try to do that but I also think it is unhealthy not to really sit and feel emotions even if they are considered negative and bad.  I wonder if that person would say the same thing if they had been diagnosed with a serious ongoing medical condition and have a changed perspective like I have.  I also feel that the word drastic can be used in good situations.  Good things can have strong and far-reaching effects too.  Someone might consider me using wooden fish buttons on my top as drastic.  They are super cute and make me smile so if they can make other people smile then I hope they can create some strong and fun far-reaching positive effects in the world.