70. PAIN

On Monday I had my 5th Zoladex injection. No massive bruise this time, just a little one about the size of a grape, the bigger ones, not the little silly sized ones. There was quite a long list of things to talk to the GP about this time. My left knee and hip haven’t really felt right since I skidded and fell down the stairs. So I have referrals for an MRI on my knee and an x-ray and ultrasound on my hip and butt. I also got an indefinite referral for Dr Julia so I don’t have to keep getting them every year. We also discussed with the GP about filling in forms for the Disability Support Pension and she says she can do that. I have a long appointment for Friday, which is tomorrow. I told her about cutting out grains/legumes/processed sugar and how that it has helped my joints and hot flushes a bit. I also told her about the new medication that will be coming in the mail. She hadn't heard of it so I gave her the website. Also, my fingers in the morning were really sore and stiff and it took about an hour before I could move them properly again. By the time I had my exercise class I could use them fine again.

Tues 14th was one year since Hector’s biopsy. Remember what I was saying about trauma? There were a few emotional niggles about that this week. Remembering the pain and the massive bruise and hematoma I got and how my breast specialist was horrified at how my boob looked and felt. At 10.30am I had an appointment at the cancer clinic where I had chemo. My first zoledronic acid infusion. I didn’t bring hexagons this time to do but some slow stitching I’m working on. They were running about half an hour late but I expect that appointment times are fluid so it didn’t bother me. I also had a bit of a chat with Paula when she was waiting for someone who was running late. Again, trauma memories being in the clinic treatment room. The annoyance and pain that Persephone never really worked properly. The chemo belly feeling, the not right in the head feeling, the continued peripheral neuropathy and enteric neuropathy. Sitting in those chairs and being hooked up to the infusion machine brought up many feelings. I sat with them, acknowledged them and told myself it was ok to feel. Most of the staff were the same. They were still cheerful, still kind, still interested in how I was feeling and what project I was working on. They all wanted to see photos of how far I am with the hexagon quilt.

Sarah was the nurse today. She commented it was nice to see me without a mask on. I agreed that it is much nicer to be able to see everyone’s faces. It’s quite strange, people look quite different from my chemo memories. I weighed in, my BP (149/89) and oxygen levels (96%) taken. My BP was a bit high but I was pretty amped up on all the emotions. Sarah asked if that was normal and I said when the GP took it yesterday it was 123/84. She is happy that I'm being monitored by the GP and says she understands my blood pressure may be a bit elevated being back in the room.

It took about 20 mins to get all the bits and pieces together and then she put a cannula in my arm, in the side of my wrist, just below where my thumb bone ends. I had to take my watch off. It didn't really hurt too much but Sarah says "you can relax your fist now". I hadn't realised I still had it clenched. Right then I get a hot flush and started sweating like crazy so the tape doesn't want to stay on my skin very well. After a bit of a wipe down it eventually stuck. I had some iced water with mr so had a drink.

Another 10 mins and Sarah is back and hooks up some saline and starts that dripping through. After another 10 mins she is back with the zoledronic acid bag. She hooks that up and says it'll run for about 15 mins. I sew away, listening to the beeps and alarms going off, watching the hustle and bustle of patients and staff. My alarm goes off, it needs another 5 mins or so as the bag isn't quite finished. When it is finished there is a 5 mins flush of saline to go through. Then a bit more of a wait and the cannula comes out. My next appointment is put onto my appointment card (for 6 months time) and I get a slip of paper to take to the cashier. $30. I tell Sarah I have a health care card so I could get a discount. General was circled, not concession. She says to show the cashier my card and it should be ok.

I go to the cashier and she says she can't charge anything different that is on the slip. I head back to the oncology reception and Kim walks past and asks if she could help. I tell her what's happened and she calls up the pharmacy and sorts it out. $7.30. She changes the amount on the slip and I head back to the cashier and pay.

On the way home I stop off at Centrelink to check with them about the exact details for the Disability Support Pension and also the Carer Allowance. The guy was perhaps half as helpful as I would've liked and I had to stand up at the desk and it really was hurting my knee and back. Where the cannula had been was also stinging a bit. I was starting to feel like I had a bit of a headache coming on. I head home and start the long and arduous task of lodging online with Centrelink. Almost four hours later I had everything done and as many forms and reports scanned in and uploaded as I could. I was starting to feel a bit nauseous too.

I had some dinner even though I didn't really feel like it much and went to bed early. I was woken up about 9 times with pain and general feeling of grossness. I took some pain killers around 3.30am. When I did finally get up I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, or maybe a train, or quite possibly a jumbo jet a few times. My whole body ached A LOT! I could barely use my hands, they had lost most of their strength. I couldn't even hold my phone and type. I had to put it on the table and type that way. My knees felt like they were cement, my feet felt like they were being crushed. Dr Julia has said that 36-48 hours afterwards you can get some flu like aches and pains. I don't think I've ever had the flu cos this was very very uncomfortable.

I did go to my exercise class and Lewis was really good at modifying my program so I didn't have to grip anything. It was a win just getting out of bed this morning so this was a bonus. After the class I had a bit more movement and strength in my fingers but still felt ratshit. I had lunch even though I didn't really feel like eating again. It was 2pm and I just had to go to bed again. More pain killers and after they kicked in I slept until 6.45pm, only waking up once. I surfaced briefly for dinner and then back to bed. I tried watching a show on Netflix but couldn't concentrate. I thought maybe something short on YouTube. Nope. Back to sleep again.

I woke up a few times in the night, mainly in pain so took some pain killers again. By 9.30am came around I was feeling slightly more human again. I could bend my fingers again and probably about 80-90% of their strength was back. I still ache a bit but not like yesterday. At choir practice tonight it was a bit of a struggle at first to play the recorder (some of our songs have instruments in parts) but after a few wrong notes and being out of time they got a bit better. I imagined they were squeaking like a rusty hinge.