69. Helpful not helpful

“It will get better”

“Keep fighting”

“It’s all in God’s plan so keep the faith”

“I’m praying for you”

“You look great”

“Keep smiling”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I’m sorry”

"Everything happens for a reason"

“You‘ll survive this”

“You have the right shape head for being bald”

“You’ve made it through another day”

“I bet it’s really hard but you’ve got this”

“You have such good colour”

“Just keep on smiling and things will be better”

“Tears won’t help”

“You are so strong”

“Just get through chemo/radiation/surgery and things will be better”

“Just think how much better you’ll feel next year”

“I thought you were done treatment”

“You’ll get through it and be a stronger person”

“I’m here for you”

Today is my one year cancer anniversary. November 16th 2022 was when I got the call from my GP about the results of my biopsy. Thinking through the past year, and talking with other people who are living with cancer, a theme seems to appear with us all. Sometimes things people say are helpful and sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes people might think they are being empathetic and what they say is comforting and sometimes it really is fucking annoying and makes things exponentially worse. These feelings may change depending on the day and what treatment is happening or not happening.

I like to imagine that people are genuinely concerned and want to help to make things easier but just have no idea how the usual banalities really can be emotionally painful and make a day worse. They may also make it better. Confused much? Life can get pretty crazy without being on the cancer conveyor-belt.

All this is also valid for the family and friends of someone who is living with a cancer diagnosis. They may or may not appreciate what you may think is a kind and helpful comment.

Trauma, whether it is physical, mental, emotional or all three isn’t something that just goes away. It comes back, sometimes totally out of the blue. There is grief, a lot of grief, and dealing with it isn’t a straight line to “get through it”.

Sometimes people end up being a toxic force even when they think they are helping. I have heard of many people say that they have really found out who are good friends and who aren't. There are people in my life that I don't feel are a healing force for me at this time so have put them on pause.

So what to say? Really check in with the person and perhaps even preface your comment with “If this is not helpful please let me know as your well-being is my top concern”. If someone is crying or looks upset, let them feel the emotions. All emotions are valid and if they aren’t dealt with they can rise up their heads and bite you in the arse without warning later down the track.